Portofino

Out of nowhere I decided to go to the beach, Portofino this time in Lapu Lapu.
Its kinda far but its okay … was asked why I wanna go to the beach when I dont know how to swim in the first place. I’ve always wanted to see the sunset and sunrise by the beach … I’ve only done so once and that was like a long time ago and I desperately want it now.

When my mind’s troubled and my soul’s weary I seek solace in the beach. The sound of the waves has always been soothing for me. Whats bothering you Weng? Uhhmm…

Met Rezia on my way home from church (went to church first thing in the morning), and as I have not seen her quite some time. We went to ChowKing and talked, being a registered nurse I asked her bout mom’s condition. She was the one who set up the oxygen tank for me, w/o any ado she informed me that patients with CGH would never last that long. She said there are like 5 classes of CHF, from Class A to E; based on her description of each classes mom is like on Class B. Her oxygen in take has gone from 1 liter per minute to 3 liters per minute.
Maximum is 15 liters per minute, accdg. to her seldom do patients reach 10 liters per minute and that crashed the hell outta me.

I also informed her of the things my mom is complaining about, the numbness on her legs, her contant and excessive sweating among others. She said they were all symptoms of CHFand no one or nothing can alleviate those discomforts she’s feeling.

I told mom about em and she got worried, worried not of the knowledge that there’s nothing more to wait for than death but coz there’s no one she can leave me on to. So here we go again with the “go get a boyfriend thingy”; its not nice to be alone, trust me she keeps on telling me that. You dont know what its like to be alone, been there done that.

Being a single mom raising a kid with no supportive relatives is tough, it has toughen her up.
So I guess I partly understand her concern, she doesnt want me to be alone with no one else to talk to, no one to go home to. Well, I’ve been alone always have, though she’s around still but our roles have interchanged. Used to be, I lean on her now its the other way around and much as I would like to show to her am strong, I do have my own share of emotional breakdown.

When I told Rezia about mom’s constant bugging for me to find someone, she said she does not want to leave you alone with no one to share your sorrow. The ironic thing is I’ve always been alone, my pain … they’re all mine …

Someone used to ask me why am still NBSB now, is it because of circumstances beyond control? I said no its by choice. I find fault in all of them giving me reason to not like them which is for the greater good. I did them all a favor by turning them down.

I dont have love to give, all I have is pain and sorrow … I cannot give them what they expect me to and I cannot share with them my pain, they’ll never understand.

Are you okay? No, am not, havent been for the longest time.

Are you happy? No, far from it … I continue to live not coz I want to but coz I have to … for her.

And this state of mind brought me to Portofino, the air, the sound of the waves has soothed my troubled soul but it does not alleviate the sorrow I’ve felt, guess nothing can.