Spent the whole morning crying dunno what triggered it but I cried like there’s no tomorrow. I was talking to A the whole time texting her about this and that, didnt know it was obvious already but am slipping away, accdg. to her I was s’pose to be one of the good agents on the floor but now “wala lang” she said maybe coz am not happy with what am doing. I said right now am scared, confused and all my insecurities are surfacing like never before. Its hard to pretend your happy when your not and am tired. Am s’pose to have this childish, miss goody two shoes, happy go lucky kind of personality at work that in the ride from home to work is like my interim I get to prepare my mind and heart to become the girl I ought to be or what people think I would be and when the shift ends I get to go back home and face whatever it is that needs to be faced.

The person who used to be someone I can lean on at rough times is now the one leaning on me and for her I gotta be strong despite the odds, I know I owe it to her. I’ve asked myself countless of times what would happen when she’s gone, I never found an answer. Could not count the number of times I’ve cried, cried for what was and for what will never be. Contemplating the future alone didnt seem so bad before when it didnt seem possible but now that I know its certain it made me wish that I can just go with her. After all its just her and me; I know she’ll never want that she’d want me to go on living, spend my lot and wait till its my time to leave so we can be together. Used to think I had it all planned out, me going to the monastery when she’s gone to fulfill my dream of becoming a nun. I told her this but she disagreed, I told two friends and they both disagreed. I havent told A, guess coz I know she’ll never agree.

Looking back at it now, I was crying while texting A and at the same time talking to D, who doesnt have any idea whats going on.

I assured A this will pass that I’ll just sleep it through and when I wake up I’ll be fine but truth is I didnt sleep till 3 pm, gradually I got out of my emotional dilemma as I was talking nonsense to D, had to keep the laughter in my voice otherwise I’d expose myself yet again.

Can’t say am happy far from it; can’t say am at peace with myself either. I continue to live not coz I want to but because I have to, I dread for the moment of getting home and finding her gone. But as I’ve said to A, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get there”.

For now, am starting to get a grip of things and maybe just maybe I wont mess up again.